4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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