if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize