Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize