I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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