I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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