you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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