I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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