I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
