I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
