My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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