My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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