I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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