Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
