You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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