Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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