my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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