She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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