I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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