I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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