I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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