I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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