and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
