The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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