Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
