Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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