I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
