I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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