Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
