Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
