I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
