OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
