I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize