The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I won the penis lottery.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
