ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
