last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
