Don't make out with my wife yet
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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