The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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