I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
