Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
