How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
