My hand turned me down
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
