thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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