There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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