I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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