i need an iv and a liver transplant
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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