I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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