rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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