um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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