Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
