I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
