dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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