im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
