Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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