his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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