i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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