You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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