I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
