God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
