I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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