if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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