My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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