im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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