we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize