I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
