You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
