Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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