is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
