We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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